Friday, August 30, 2013

The Journey Ahead

After several tests and the unsolicited confirmation that I have PCOS, I went to see my doctor yesterday to discuss the treatment plan. In a way I was looking forward to it because I really wanted to have some questions answered. I feel there is so much information available on the internet, especially for someone like me who is so new to understanding and accepting this, that it is just an irrelevant overload.

As a beginner, I've understood that there is no one type of PCOS and while it is commonly believed for it to be associated with weight gain, it actually affects people like me, a 'thin cyster' whose weight has somewhat remained constant throughout. In fact, my doctor said it is harder to manage 'thin cysters' whose dominant solution does not come from losing weight.

I left the doctor's office a little dejected though because a) my nervousness clouded my ability to speak or ask all the questions in my head and b) she prescribed me Glucophage/Metformin and stressed that I should follow a diabetic diet and exercise. She said she wouldn't put so much stress on my body at this point by giving me pills to control my cycle or anti-depressants and that I should just stick with the basic plan for 6-9 months. She also said that I should put away any thought of conceiving for now because even if I do, I'll miscarry because of my 'mental state'. That's mean don't you think.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Acceptance

If someone asked me what the saddest moment in my life was, I'd say it wasn't a moment but a part of my life. My life is divided in two; the half when I had always planned how I'd raise my children and the other half when I found out I couldn't be a mother.

When you find out about infertility, it isn't difficult or saddening, it's excruciating to the very core of your heart.


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Teal is not just a color anymore

On August 06, 2013 after five years of TTC, normal test results and unexplained infertility, I was diagnosed with PCOS.That entire day and the following night I cried, not for the first time, but with a new found pain that ached my insides to the core. A part of me wanted to admit to the flicker of relief, the 'name' to the turmoil I had been feeling those past five years, the frustration of not knowing 'why' we couldn't have children like every other couple, of 'why' it couldn't happen if everything came back 'normal'. But that relief was so small, so weak that it couldn't have surfaced through the dominating anchor.

Today, I feel like I've just returned wounded from a battle of fighting the unknown only to hear that I must return to the field again.

This moment now, I have to learn how to find courage again, to rediscover faith. I must learn to accept that I have PCOS, Vitamin D deficiency, Hyperthyroidism and find the will to fight it.

But for now, I will give myself a little time to accept, a little moment to mourn.