Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Year 2014 | Day 1

This year, I want to have a baby.

Just saying that out loud is without ease. It's been such a long hard journey and today of all the days I want, need, to give myself the time and the patience to acknowledge how far I've come. 

If somebody had told me 5 years ago I wouldn't be able to be a mom till now, I would've died inside I'm sure. And today, even now I don't know how long it's going to take, whether it'll even happen or not. But just for now, just for today, I don't want to distract myself with counter conversations, other things in life that 'make up for this absence' ('oh but I do have this and / or that'). The fact remains. The hurt remains and nothing can 'make up for' it. 

Today, I refuse to be distracted. I refuse to underrate my strength. I refuse to be so hard on myself. I am proud of the strength I carry, the endurance I have shown in the face of hardship. This is my battle and I'm fighting it as best I can.

Today, I refuse to be in denial. I have PCOS and this is what has changed my life's decisions from being a home maker to being career oriented. it has and continues to affect me physically and emotionally. I am sorry that life brought me this but I ask Allah to help me and others who share this pain. 

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